Kompleksitas Konsturksi Batin




Malam pilu menyelimuti hati dan perasaan seorang gadis yang bimbang akan keputusan. Akankah berujung rasa kesendirian itu? Kapankah tiba waktu pangeran berkendara kuda yang tepat menjemputnya? Entahlah. Sebetulnya dia tidak ingin terburu-buru, dan juga tidak begitu peduli akan perasaan sepi yang dia rundung saat ini. Mungkin karena beribu kata mutiara yang dia baca sebelum menjelang tidur agar keesokan harinya tetap termotivasi menjalani hidup. Separah itukah? Dia kini lelah, mencoba melarikan diri dari kandang sampah yang disebut masa lalu. Dirinya bermuka masam, tak menghiraukan apapun, hanya melamun menatap sudut-sudut tembok ruangan berukuran sempit. Dia merasakan kekecewaan yang teramat dalam, terpekik-pekik karena lelaki yang dia puja pergi meninggalkannya tanpa jejak hanya untuk bersandar ke pelukan perempuan lain. Mengapa konstruksi batin manusia begitu membingungkan dan kompleks? Hanya beberapa bulan yang lalu, kali pertama bertemu, lelaki itu bak pengubah suasana. Tapi waktu menjawab, kedatangannya hanya memperkeruh keadaan. Lambat laun, waktu menyembuhkan luka. Akan tetapi, hatinya masih tertutup rapat-rapat. Merasakan pahit masamnya ditanggalkan. Mencoba untuk membukanya, tapi rasa ketakutan masih bersemayam nyaman. Tiba-tiba, bulatan air menyerupai angka nol menyembul dipelupuk mata, dengan sisa tenaga yang loyo Ia mencoba menghancurkan bulatan tangis dengan punggung tangan. Dia bergeming. Tak seharusnya dia meratapi kehidupannya seperti orang edan. Karena adakalanya kesendirian itu cahaya. Cahaya? Ya cahaya yang meneranginya ketika luka hati dan ketakutan itu muncul. Lebih baik sendiri. Dan kado ulang tahun yang terbaik tahun ini adalah kesendirian itu. Sekarang dia berusaha menjadi motivator untuk dirinya sendiri. Biarkan semuanya yang lampau menjadi kenangan. Tidak untuk dilupakan, tidak juga untuk dibenci. Kenangan ada untuk dipelajari. Bukankah itu memang sudah hukum alam? Setiap orang yang kita jumpai adalah hadiah dan cara Tuhan untuk memberikan pelajaran hidup? Dan adakalanya orang yang kita harapkan untuk tinggal dihati malah seenaknya pergi? Memang gadis itu pikir dia tahu yang terbaik untuk dirinya? Yang menjadi perencana indah dan penentu semua yang terbaik adalah Dia, Tuhan. Tiba-tiba senyum kecil terbesit di raut wajahnya yang bengkak dan merah lebam akibat isakan air mata yang tiada henti. Semua sudah terporsi sayang. Sudahlah untuk apa terus mengingat luka hati kalau keberadaanya hanya membuat sakit? Gadis itu berkata “Aku resmi tinggalkanmu, luka, masa lalu. Terimakasih atas rasa sakit. Aku sungguh menikmatinya. Aku bangkit.” Dan gadis yang sekarang bangkit itu adalah aku.

How I Deal with Solitude



HOW I DEAL WITH SOLITUDE
I’ll be rumbling on this blog post now. Terribly sorry for the rumbles! This is something that I don’t usually write about and keep it inside. But I feel like sharing it with you. I genuinely could shed tears writing this. But I’ll try  not to. I’ll be the strongest person I can be.
Well without further a do. Questions that have been in my mind for the past couple days. Have you ever felt like you’re all on your own and no body gives you company and fed up of being alone and seeing, in love couples walking through the parks arm in arm and all that? And when you really need help, no body’s there, you’re reluctantly asking for people’s help, and you end up doing anything you want yourself without invloving people in it. That’s what I have been doing so far. Being a singleton and deciding not to be enganged with what sort of ‘love’ thingy and all that stuff. Not denying the fact that sometimes people need companies. Me included. More often than not, it’s got to the point where being single sucks but sometimes it’s a good thing. Having heard from quite many friends of mine moaning about being single and wanting to have boyfriends/girlfriends makes me want to write this sort of thing. Prefer being a singleton to being in love? Which one do you prefer? Do people have preferences? I have no clue. Maybe they do, or maybe they don’t. But this is a tip how I cope with my moment of solitude and overcome any feelings of loneliness. This works for me.
             1. Spend your time with your family and friends. I must admit that my parents are living and working in the capital city of Indonesian which is quite far from where I am studying now. The only way to keep in touch with each other is by communicating through calls/texts/social networks. I’m not very much open to them either, especially when it comes to ‘solitude due to being a singleton’ *laughs*. Not my parents’ cup of tea at all. They kinda loathe it seeing me close to somebody and for the time being their request is me focusing on the studies. When in terms of friends, I have bunches, but there are only a few friends whom I could put my trust and share anything with. Currently they are well-occupied. Therefore, feeling loneliness comes to me very frequently, but I know the ways to escape from it one of which is by getting together with friends and family. You’ll soon be getting accustomed to it and you’ll find out how better it would be if we’re focused on the studies rather than filling our minds with the things that might be a distraction to our academic studies and our platonic relationships with people like friends and family. You’ll soon realise a romantic partnership is not the only one satisfying type of relationship.
             2. The second thing that I now usually do is getting out more. Getting yourself locked in a room with no ventilation and all in pitch dark with curtains closed is not the best way to escape from loneliness. You have a wonderful planet to see, places you need to explore, people you gotta meet up, and events you gotta attend. I’ve come to a relisation that sitting in my flat all day long will do nothing and it just makes me more pesimistic. You’re already blessed with a great life, get out more and go to shop centres and cinemas even on your own or you can take friends if you want to, but being on your own sometimes makes you feel like you’re in your own world with you are the only inhibitant in it, I do this quite often, and realistically I enjoy my own company.
              3. Build your self-confidence. I’ve been doctrined by lots of articles that being in a relationship does not make you a better and more successful person. Then, do not think less of yourself as a person for being single. Rather this might be the best time for me to be even greater and appreciate the little things in life. To make a fresh start and feel better sometimes I treat myself like getting myself a book or a juice or a movie or new clothes or do some running outside or anything. This could make yourself feel much better. This works for me successfully.
               4. Enjoy ‘me’ time. I’m writing this whilst listening to music and singing it along. What could be better than this? Haha. I used to be feeling argh and meh when it comes to loneliness. Now I always try to find a way out what productive thing I could do. Now Now when I feel like company, I either write, go out, or exercise or anything. Being down in the dumps locking yourself in a room all day long will get you nowhere. Sometimes treating yourself is a must. Treating yourself a movie, play, clothes, books, whatever you like to keep you motivated. Something you can enjoy on your own.
              5. This one thing I mostly do to get active and exercise. I’ve come to the point where exercise or working out can be a get away from loneliness and stress. Besides the fact that it’s also good for your health. It can do both. If I’m feeling lonely or depressed I genuinely grab my running shoes and go to the park close to my flat and enjoy my running time. This is good for your body and soul. I got new running shoes the other day and that makes me love exercise more by wearing the new shoes. Hehe Thanks ever so much to mum for getting me running shoes as the late birthday present. This helps me relieve stress and depression. You can also meet running buddies who frequent your favourite running routes. Hehe stay active stay healthy!
              6. Go on a trip! Bali is the tourism spot I’ve been wanting to visit by far. Saving money and waiting on the perfect time/holiday to come. Then soon I’ll explore. Trigger your adrenaline by travelling on your own to new places you’ve never been to. I travel on my own quite often to be perfectly honest. I do like it though. You don’t have to negotiate other people’s companies and all you gotta do is decide anything you want by your own self. It’s challenging. But when are you gunna try if not now? Hehe
              7. Last but not least, try not to idealize relationships. Being in a relationship is sometimes not that easy as it may seem. And sometimes people in couples could be lonelier than singletons. During your solo time, think about what you want from your friends, family, and other relationships in the future. Remember and keep it in mind that it’s way much better being single and happy than in a bad relationship. All I want to say is enjoy every minute of your life. You deserve to be happy for whatever you do in life. You’re worth getting happiness. You’re worth a good future relationship, and everything good usually is worth the wait. Stay positive. Be happy and content within yourself and never think that you are not worthy because you are not in a relationship, or that you're a "loser" for feeling lonely. Neither of these are true! Instead, remind yourself to look on the bright side of life, and that there's a lot of good things to be gained in moments of singleness and solitude. Cheers.

Talk to you later in a bit. I got to go to sleep earlier. Tomorrow I’ll have to participate the ceremony in school. So I'll rest now! good night wonderful people with wonderful hearts and souls! 

When it comes into reality




WHEN IT COMES INTO REALITY

After waking up from my sleep, I then suddenly thought of writing down the journey of me getting YMAC (Youth Model ASEAN Conference) scholarship in Singapore. Yeaaaa, I am flying abroad in no time, I couldn’t be any happier than this, really.I have been dreaming of going abroad since I was a kid, now I made it happen, with self-determination and God’s help, nothing’s impossible, even the sky cannot limit you, a quotation by Benjamin Matthias that I would always keep in mind because it brings changes.
It happened a month ago, when this friend of mine posted an information on Facebook and sent it to me on BBM application. First time I didn’t find myself quite interested in applying for it. Not that I quit dreaming, but I may be encounteringbunches of competitors who are more experienced and worth selected rather than me. But, nonetheless, I then remembered song lyrics saying “You’ll never know if you never try”. Its song is called ‘Fix you’ if I’m not messed up with the title, originally sung by Coldplay.
Let’s get the ball rolling. The requirements are writing an essay (it can be about politics, economy, social, culture or even environment. I wrote about culture entitled “Preserving Indonesian Cultures through Cultural Communities by Indonesian Young Generation” which I am a bit knowledgable at, I suppose),  personal statement and form application. I wrote very thoroughly and carefully only in one day. I was in hometown that day, the internet connection over there is not as good as here in Solo. I had come to a decision where I should attempt to go to the internet cafe to send all the requirements to the addressed e-mail. I didn’t expect that much I wasn’t too confident about myself. Time flies, the applicants are narrowed down by the essays and the selected applicants are bound to attend the interview section which was conducted two days before Eid mubarak.
I surprisingly got a text saying that I should attend the interview section of YMAC in Office for International Affairs (KUI). I bumped into a bunch of applicants some of whom I kinda know of and am familiar with. They all have broad knowledge, and already have gone abroad, good at English as well. I was then sitting on a chair, realising that to be here is already awesome and a rare thing. Selected or not, it’s not the matter. The only thing that matters the most is the process I’ve been through itself. I repeatedly said that to myself and planted it in my brain so I won’t be down in the dumps if I didn’t smash the interview. But all the thoughts I had in my mind were wrong, I was informed I was one of the two delegates sent to the programme. How can I be so very lucky? No one understands how chuffed I was. You know what? When it was my turn, I stepped to the interview room with all the nerves. Body was trembling, hands were getting cold all of a sudden, face was a bit pale. It seemed all the applicants had undergone successful interviews. I was sat there on an interview chair right in front of me there were two interviewers. The first question is the common one that I told them about myself in general. The second question was about my organisation and work experience, and on and on till it came to the hardest question which was “Why should we choose you?” I was in a moment of silence. But I think the interview went quite well;)
           My turn done! I packed all my things to bring home and I came over a Javanese souvenir shop to buy my dad a gift, wrapped, done. I was on the bus back home, the atmosphere being on a bus will never be good as I want it to be, all the bus musicians, bus merchantmen/women, it’s so crowded and unorganised. The fact that all the bus drivers here are so rough when it comes to driving in the street, and the children’s cries and screams, the hot wheather at noon, no ventilation, they all add up to boredom and uncomfortability. But what can I say?
            Phone beeps. I thought it was my grandmum messaging me that she’d pick me up. But no, it was from the Office for International Affairs announcing the two selected delegates and I was congratulated on being one of the delegates to participate the ASEAN Conference. I was startled and couldn’t speak anything but Alhamdulillah... this is again a pure blessing. I don’t know how to say thank you to Allah, like, ASEAN conference? It’s very huge! I got it all for free. Things which are covered; plane tickets, accomodation, transportation, meals and etc. I was then urged to apply for a passport after Eid.
         
            FYI guys, for all of you who wants to go abroad and still have 0 clue what requirements to bring to the immigration office to apply for a passport, just chill! I’m gunna tell you how!

First you need to bring:
1.        Photocopy of your KTP (Identity card)
2.       Photocopy of KK (Family-member card)
3.       Photocopy of your diploma
4.      Photocopy of birth certificate
5.       A permission letter from parents
6.       A letter/proof in what sort of condition you’re travelling abroad

         Don’t forget to attach the authentic documents as well. The Imigration office here in Solo opens at 8 am but you need to wait in line to get the queue number. People usually come to the office at 4am in the morning just to get the first number, it’s insane. I went there at around 6.30 in the morning and I had to wait forever to get to my turn. I genuinely got the number at 8 in the morning but I got called upon at 9 am and my documents were processed at 1.30 pm. How crazy that was! It took a half day just to make a passport. Much efforts!
      I was told by the officer to come back later in three days to get the passport. Huh? It’s alright. Been waiting for three days. I came back to the office. Now here it goes, new passport, the door to explore the world is open and already in my hands! Chuffed!
         Now it’s time for me to wait on my departure to Singapore on 3rd of October 2015, I have been thinking out loud about it. I’ll meet up and make friends with foreign people in a forum disucussing and debating things related to ASEAN matters. That would be the most interesting experience I’ll ever have. Right now I’m focused on doing my teaching apprentice here and then my essay. Then graduation!Wish me every success, guys. #Fingerscrossed
I’ll see you a bit later on guys, in my next story. Cheers.

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